Sincerely not giving a ****.

I read a fantastic post by Mark Manson last week. It was titled: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. A very insightful piece, if you can stomach gratuitous profanity. Basically, Mark’s post talked about how to not care so much about what others think. It spoke to me because I finally think I am coming around to not giving…..any.

My hiatus from the medical field was a superb time of internal growth and reflection. I was miserable at the time but often those uncomfortable times are when we are learning the most. It seems to be true in my case at least. During my time away I was able to reconcile the loss of a job which I felt defined me and added to my “worth”. I was able to realize that my former position was just something I did and it is not who I am. I was also able to digest and be at peace with my new found insight.

I feel so much stronger than I did before I quit my old job. It’s incredible. My new found insight and strength has trickled into every aspect of my life. I noticed I am not getting wrapped up in other people’s drama, something which was a cornerstone to my workdays at my old job. It’s not that I don’t care about people but I am somehow able to keep all of that stuff away from my heart. I am also finally able to say I do not care whether people like me or not. I used to care massively if I was disliked. If someone didn’t like me, I took it as if I was “despised” by everyone. Now, I don’t care if anyone dislikes me and I no longer feel I need anyone’s approval to be myself. I don’t feel the need to apologize for being myself either. I’ve spend a large part of my existence apologizing for being myself. Finally, in my heart, I no longer feel this urge. I am at peace with being me and it’s freaking awesome.

Today, work at the hospital was pretty nuts. There were a lot of folks coming through. Being the new kid kind of sucks when it gets busy. I was getting hung up on a few things and I had to pause and ask for help. I was able to get through my day with only one person leaving without signing a form. Not a bad day in all.

I did have a couple come in and they started to get to me. I was getting disapproving sighs of irritable-ness from the man in this duo as I was checking in his wife in for her appointment. My every (necessary) question seemed to annoy and inconvenience him. I was getting annoyed at his attitude…and then it hit me. I am giving way too many f**ks about this situation. Seriously. I know this couple from my other jobs. She’s lovely but her husband is genuinely a miserable sod. I have never had a positive interaction with him ever. He would have been annoyed and inconvenienced by anyone who helped him, not specifically me. Once this light bulb went off in my head, I stopped my reaction to his attitude.

Before March 2014, I would have been incredibly upset by this interaction. I would have commiserated with my coworkers at length and would have spread the negativity around for us all to enjoy.

This time around, I was able to nip an old habit in the bud. I was able to check in with myself, stop my reaction and not take that negativity to heart. I was truly joyous when I realized I actually blocked all of that garbage from effecting my insides!! Yes, I was annoyed but it didn’t ruin my day even when it tried!

I have a headache from my day but I’m in a pretty good mood and ready for Friday’s shift.