….to say the least.
I was supposed to go to Vegas this weekend, a weekend which has been planned and long anticipated. Life had other plans. Mom received an unpleasant diagnosis on Monday. Thursday mom was at St Joseph’s Hospital and booked in for surgery. Mom came through surgery well and is back home recovering. We’ve been in Phoenix the past 4 days, away from home for 5 days. My dogs missed me more than my children but that’s to be expected. Nonetheless, I was so happy to see them all. Furred and fur-less alike.
One finds out what they’re made of during stressful times. I feel like I’m not made of much anymore. I’ve gone into “self protection and avoidance” mode. I have been under a significant amount of work stress for the past 3 months. My vices have been wine and food. 10+ pounds later and I dislike myself so much it makes me cry. I am disappointed with my lack of positive coping. I am eating to fill a void and I have no idea what the void is….or if it’s even a void. I feel I want “something” most of the time but I have no idea what that “something” is. I haven’t painted in over a month. I don’t have any visions of anything to paint which is disturbing and saddening. I know my creativity has not dried up but I am turning into something I do not like and I don’t know how to stop it.
This weekend, I have eaten with such speed and vigor. I probably look as if I was starved for days but as one could see by my physique, I am no stranger to food. With the added stress of this new journey my mom will be on, all I’ve wanted to do is eat and sleep. I’ve had that familiar empty feeling all weekend.
I want to find me again. I feel disconnected from myself and I’m not sure how to get “me” back. I’ve felt mentally confused and I feel like I’m starting to sound just like my mother currently is. It’s terrifying. Some folk’s biggest fear is a diagnosis of cancer. Mine is losing who I am through a deficiency of my mind.
Sorry, no words of wisdom, comfort or insight to give this evening. I only have my sadness and fear.