Hangin’ with hope

I have been trying to articulate exactly how I have been feeling the past month and it has been a struggle. I have been filling in at a often thankless position for the past four months. I struggle to feel like I am helping people. I struggle to connect to my heart. That wears on a soul after a while. I don’t know if it is the vibe of the department or if it is the perception of how we are perceived (incompetent vs capable) but the place drags me down. I was told today my company has a hiring freeze. The prospective candidate to take over my temporary position cannot be hired until after the freeze. We were not given a time when they will be hiring again.

Today, I was told to “hang in there”. I despise that phrase because it is always spouted when I feel I’ve come to the end of my rope. I feel I am at the end of my rope on all fronts.

I feel numb, exhausted and overwhelmed by life. I feel lost and out of touch with myself which has caused me to slip into familiar self loathing. I can’t seem to get drunk, just to feel something different for a little while. I have ideas to paint but I long for distraction so I jump online for my fix. Dark thoughts have passed through my head again. I thought they were gone for good but they have skirted the edges. I need  change and I don’t know how or where to start. I don’t feel I have the strength to initiate change but something has to give. I am afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I detest being viewed as a burden. I detest being despised for needing. I lock it all away so I won’t have to see disapproval of being seen as “weak”.  Nothing about this is healthy, mind you.

Despite how bad I feel inside and how disconnected I feel, I know am in the right place even if I don’t understand the purpose. In the back of my mind, I know this has to be true. I’m in this draining job and living this stressed out life but by being where I am, I am still doing good. In the darkest hours, in the midst of despair; a sliver of hope can still be found. Hope says everything will turn around and make sense eventually. Hope says you really aren’t wasting space even if that’s how you feel. Hope says your life has purpose even when it doesn’t feel like it. I’m hanging on because I haven’t lost hope.

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