Today was mom’s funeral. There was a larger turnout than expected. Many kind friends came to paid their respects. I was so appreciative of everyone who helped and who was involved. I’m glad my parents met these kind people and I am glad they will be there as support for my dad in the months to come.
My dad got up and spoke about his and mom’s life together. He told how they met, who introduced them and told of funny anecdotes of their early life together. He was witty and funny. His dry sense of humor was appreciated. He read a poem at her service as well. Mom would be so proud of him and how he did today.
My mom’s sister and two of her brothers and three of her niece/nephews were able to come along with a brother in law and sister in law. It was good to see everyone, unfortunate that is was under sad circumstances. My uncle, who first introduced my parents, was asked to read mom’s eulogy. It was a difficult day, softened by the love and distraction of family and friends. I suspect more difficult days are soon ahead.
The difficult thing about grief, for me, is watching how it effects those I love. When my brother in law passed suddenly three years ago, the worst thing for me was seeing my sister and her kids in pain. I wanted so badly to take the heart ache away from them all and somehow make everything better. This past week, as I’ve been with my dad leading up to the funeral, it has been difficult to watch him. He is a stoic person by nature but there have been moments where he’s teared up and talked about what he’s thinking or feeling. Today has been a roller coaster but I fear the most tumultuous days are ahead.
At the graveside service, my sister heard something which sparked a snide/funny thought (it happens, we have Houtz blood). My mom was the one whom she first wanted to tell, but mom’s gone. I suspect the little things like that will hit me hard when I least expect it. I’m not looking forward to that.
I am one who likes to know what’s ahead. I get anxious when I fly by the seat of my pants. Grief is an unpredictable animal and I don’t like the unpredictable. I don’t like not knowing what is ahead. I don’t like being unprepared for trying situations. I feel like I need to “fix” things for others so they don’t suffer too much but in the process, I unknowingly ignore my own needs. I don’t want to crash and burn. I don’t want to see others crash and burn.
I’m writing numb this evening. Sleep deprived and two glasses of wine on board, I may not make much sense with this post. I can’t write eloquently this evening. Tonight, it’s a post of my rambling thoughts, nothing more.
I hope all is well in the world of with whomever decides to read this post. G’night. xx