It was Mothers’ Day this past Sunday. We decided to drive up and visit my dad for the weekend. On our drive, my husband asked if I’d like to visit my mom’s grave. This is something folks in Mexico do on special occasions like Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day and obviously Dia de los Muertos.
I haven’t been back to see mom’s grave since her funeral, which will be a year this June. I felt bad about that and I felt like I was a bad daughter because of this. (I’m not a bad daughter. My brain is simply trying to protect me from pain…..but I digress) This grief thing does not come with a handbook. I’m muddling through this loss as best as I can with little reference to guide me. It’s not that I wanted us to dump my mom off at the cemetery and never to think of her again. It’s just hard, ya know? It’s been almost a year and yet it still seems strange that she’s gone. I had a question about my family history research the other day and I wanted to ask her my question but I couldn’t.
To be completely honest, I didn’t want to visit mom’s grave because I didn’t want to be sad on Mothers’ day. I always manage to be sad on special occasions and I didn’t want to be sad. It’s my day too, damn it! I want to be happy and feel celebrated! I’ve had a hell of a time with anxiety the past few weeks and I did wonder if maybe facing this might help.
Before we left my dad’s on Sunday, I weakly agreed to go to Prescott and visit her grave. We stopped by the supermarket and bought a bouquet of bright flowers. Mom liked lots of color. The cemetery is not one with manicured grass and caretakers. It’s very rough and sandy. Whatever might grow around is natural and wild. It took us a little while to find where she was because we still don’t have a headstone or even a metal marker. My dad put an outdoor rabbit figurine and some bricks around as a temporary marker but I could not see it. As we stepped around the graves, as I keep saying “Sorry everyone! We’re not meaning any harm!” in my head on the off chance off chance we might offend the residents. We finally found her spot and proceeded to tidying up. We arranged the bricks and the rabbit so it could be seen easier the next time. I fluffed out the flowers and placed them on the ground. After that, I didn’t quite know what to do. I had a little cry and I felt a lump in my throat for hours after we left.
Anxiety has stepped back a little bit but it’s still waiting in the wings, ready to rush on stage. I faced something uncomfortable this weekend and it didn’t do me in. I did not have a good Mothers’ Day this year but I trust, in the future, it will eventually be a happy day again.
Things On My Mind 
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