When you lose someone, those moments when you suddenly think of them or want to call them…..they can sneak up on ya. I have had a few of those moments recently and they were unexpected.
My mom was one who loved bright colors. Despite not always being supportive when it came to my dreams as a kid, she was always supportive of my art. This past week, I painted a beach scene at sunset for a charity auction. I was second guessing myself the whole time but I was really happy with how it turned out. When I was finally finished with all the little details I though, “I bet mom would like this!”. For a split second, I’d forgotten she was no longer here. I quickly felt that sinking of the heart when I remembered I couldn’t call her or send her a picture. I sent a picture of it to my dad instead. I guess that desire for a parent’s approval never quite goes away, even when we reach adulthood.
I woke from a dream this morning which was nice. It wasn’t about mom but she was in it. We were relaxing, talking about something light and not terribly earth shattering. We might have been discussing our color preferences of drapes and window coverings. Again, not earth shattering but nice and light. Those moments are the ones I loved the most. Much of the time, I really held back my thoughts and opinions from my mom. As an opinionated person herself, she always managed to make me second guess my own intelligence when my opinion was challenged. She was the true “adult” and I was forever the child in her presence. A lot of the time when I was around mom, I was bracing for my next lecture on how I needed to “look to God” and read my Bible and essentially not be the heathen that I am. I spent a lot of my time around mom trying to avoid conversations about church, religion, God or politics. My favorite conversations with mom were the light ones where we’d laugh until we couldn’t breathe and we’d get silly and do accents. She had a great sense of humor and could see the funny side of most things. She would much rather laugh than cry and laugh she did. At her funeral, people commented that she had the best laugh and her friends had the best time when she was around. The last frame of the slideshow shown at her funeral was a picture of mom and my aunt laughing. It was taken on the trip they all took to California, just before mom was diagnosed. I stepped out when the slideshow was shown at her funeral. I have never seen it and I’m still not ready to try and watch.
Nothing like a good cry to ruin one’s makeup.