The “Me” You See.

It’s 22:40 and my mind is awake. I started thinking about my presence on social media this evening. Why?? Your guess is as good as mine. I feel I have little control over what wanders through my mind at any given time.

My favorite social media sites at the moment are Twitter and Instagram. I love Instagram especially because I am a very visual person. A picture truly does speak a thousand words. A facial expression shouts volumes without ever making a sound. Pictures are beautiful, disturbing,intriguing and moving. I interact with people quite a lot on Instagram. I love seeing other people’s lives and I feel I live vicariously through their adventures. If I can’t join you on that hike (or whatever it might be), I will admire your pictures and imagine myself there with you. (I should probably get out more.)

I joined Twitter in October 2010. I have met many people from all over the world on Twitter. For a time, I would have very lively conversations with people and it was amazing. Some of those friends I’ve made are also part of my Facebook friends, which I don’t let everyone join. Only the ones I trust. For a good several years, I had a large group of people I’d talk with. We first met as fans of a particular paranormal TV show. Many of the people were a bit eccentric. Some were a intense and some fueled drama like you wouldn’t believe. It all got to be too much. Many of those people I disconnected with. I was happier and more peaceful in doing so too. I made a new set of friends on Twitter, again because of a mutual love of a TV show.

Nowadays, I feel like I am speaking into a void when I go online. There’s only a handful of people I talk with now. They are some incredible folks too. Lovely, funny, talented, witty and amazing. I feel very warmly towards these folks. It makes me happy to see their comments and I am interested in their lives.

The thing with social media is; if one is too honest, open, vulnerable, sad or real, people don’t want to see that online. People go online to vent their frustrations, escape reality for a little while or to promote themselves. Most people generally want to put their best foot forward, just like in real life. First impression matter. Sometimes illusion matter more and those illusions must always remain firmly intact.

When I share things about myself or talk about a bad day, I feel like I am just another whiny, first-world-problems person venting rubbish online. My problem lately is that I’ve been depressed. I haven’t felt happy. I’ve had a general low mood and struggle to get even the simplest things done. I struggle with focus and I struggle to feel good inside myself. I don’t feel like myself, I don’t like it and I don’t know how to fix it. I genuinely feel like I don’t have anyone to tell this to. I can shout it to the void but I don’t feel like anyone wants to listen. This year has been tough for a lot of folks and people simply can’t take anyone else’s sadness onboard. I would wager a lot of people feel the same way I do and they too might feel alone. The thing of it is, no one wants to tarnish the cheerful illusion they’ve presented to the world and I am no different. I don’t wish to be judged, especially when I’m down.

Genuinely feeling connected while being connected is tricky and sometimes it’s simply unattainable. People get busy with their own lives in the real world. Contacts get forgotten, the memory of conversations past fade and soon you’re just another “follower” in someone’s list. More a number or profile picture and seemingly less than an actual person.

In a time where we have the technology to be so connected to anyone near or far, I often feel so very alone.