Tonight, I called the crisis line. I was having thoughts of taking my bottle of pills and sleeping for a while. Not forever, really. Just maybe into the weekend at the very least. Ordinarily, when things are overwhelming on a mild scale, I do sleep more. It’s one of the ways I cope. I check out for a little bit until my perspective is clearer. Tonight, I didn’t give a fuck about gaining a clearer perspective. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.
These thoughts happen when I get overwhelmed with life. I’ve been going through a lot of internal changes since starting massage school in January. They have been good changes, ones needed and desired. I have felt stronger inside and I feel I’ve found my voice finally. I recently made the decision to separate from my husband. I say recently. This had been on my mind for some time and as it turns out, my husband had been thinking and fearing the same outcome. We’d grown apart, that’s all. No other reason really. It felt like we’d just been living life in our own worlds, not connecting. Not connecting for a very long time. I desire someone I could connect with, someone I could share my heart with and someone who would share their heart with me.
I had a brief encounter where what I desired was my reality. I had, for a day, the intimacy and connection I so longed for. Today, I discovered that person I connected with and felt so close to has moved on to someone else….to someone else I know. I knew it was coming. I knew this wasn’t going to be longer term or permanent. I knew all of this and I did it anyway. Why?? Because that one amazing day filled a need I had. Even for a day. I did it because it filled a need. I wanted more from this person but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I fell in love with the potential I saw in this person, not who they actually are.
Tonight, I spoke to Pat from the crisis line. I was reminded that this feeling I have, this sadness. It is temporary. I was reminded that I did fall in love with the potential of this person, not the person who actually is. (SO bloody true.) I was reminded that I need to mourn my separation as well as this relationship. I was reminded that opportunity cannot knock on my door if I’m no longer here. A new relationship cannot happen and I cannot have that connection I crave, if I’m no longer here. I have to stay here. I have to deal with life. I have to grieve. Eventually, everything will work out. It sucks now but this is temporary. I was also reminded that I make my decisions for me. I am in school, doing something to better myself for myself. This other nonsense need not stand in my way of bettering myself. Again, it’s temporary. As Pat said, there are loads of other people on this planet. I’m bound to find a connection with a few of them, at least!
There are possibilities….but I have to stay here so I can experience them. So, when asked how I’m doing tomorrow during our morning check in circle. The answer will be simply, “I am here”. No one can appreciate the strength and determination in that statement more than me.