The Crisis Line

Tonight, I called the crisis line. I was having thoughts of taking my bottle of pills and sleeping for a while. Not forever, really. Just maybe into the weekend at the very least. Ordinarily, when things are overwhelming on a mild scale, I do sleep more. It’s one of the ways I cope. I check out for a little bit until my perspective is clearer. Tonight, I didn’t give a fuck about gaining a clearer perspective. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

These thoughts happen when I get overwhelmed with life. I’ve been going through a lot of internal changes since starting massage school in January. They have been good changes, ones needed and desired. I have felt stronger inside and I feel I’ve found my voice finally. I recently made the decision to separate from my husband. I say recently. This had been on my mind for some time and as it turns out, my husband had been thinking and fearing the same outcome. We’d grown apart, that’s all. No other reason really. It felt like we’d just been living life in our own worlds, not connecting. Not connecting for a very long time. I desire someone I could connect with, someone I could share my heart with and someone who would share their heart with me.

I had a brief encounter where what I desired was my reality. I had, for a day, the intimacy and connection I so longed for. Today, I discovered that person I connected with and felt so close to has moved on to someone else….to someone else I know. I knew it was coming. I knew this wasn’t going to be longer term or permanent. I knew all of this and I did it anyway. Why?? Because that one amazing day filled a need I had. Even for a day. I did it because it filled a need. I wanted more from this person but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I fell in love with the potential I saw in this person, not who they actually are.

Tonight, I spoke to Pat from the crisis line. I was reminded that this feeling I have, this sadness. It is temporary. I was reminded that I did fall in love with the potential of this person, not the person who actually is. (SO bloody true.) I was reminded that I need to mourn my separation as well as this relationship. I was reminded that opportunity cannot knock on my door if I’m no longer here. A new relationship cannot happen and I cannot have that connection I crave, if I’m no longer here. I have to stay here. I have to deal with life. I have to grieve. Eventually, everything will work out. It sucks now but this is temporary. I was also reminded that I make my decisions for me. I am in school, doing something to better myself for myself. This other nonsense need not stand in my way of bettering myself. Again, it’s temporary. As Pat said, there are loads of other people on this planet. I’m bound to find a connection with a few of them, at least!

There are possibilities….but I have to stay here so I can experience them. So, when asked how I’m doing tomorrow during our morning check in circle. The answer will be simply, “I am here”. No one can appreciate the strength and determination in that statement more than me.

Memory Flashback

Something unusual today happened while I was minding my own business. That’s usually how it is. We’re minding our own business when suddenly a memory crashes forth from the depths of our mind. The frustrating bit is, I seem to be the only one who remembers this memory.

Today, I was at the stoplight behind a car with a man and woman inside. The man was said something to the woman and gestured when he spoke. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or just animated in his conversation. It was only for a moment. Suddenly a memory of when I was a kid flashed into my mind’s eye.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. We were driving home from church and we pulled up to the light behind this car. The glow from the traffic light silhouetted the people it the car ahead of us. This was in the days before window tint and cell phones. My mom said, “look, he’s beating that woman” or something along those lines. I looked at the car ahead of us and the male driver hit the female passenger in the face and pushed her head towards to door. He then grabbed her by the hair and smashed her head into the seat about 3 times. When her head was down on the seat, he hit her in the head repeatedly. He’d pause. She tried to sit back up and he grabbed her hair and smashed her head into the seat again. We were behind this car for maybe two lights. He did this at both stop lights and eventually we split off from this car. I remember asking if we could pull over and call the police. We could tell them which car, ect and maybe they could find them. It was decided that this was impractical, the police probably couldn’t find the car even if we reported it and it was a bad idea so, why bother? I remember feeling helpless and feeling like the adults (my parents) could have done something if they wanted to.

I do not know why I suddenly had this memory pop up. Perhaps I am feeling helpless in my life and I am not aware of it. Perhaps it’s simply a trauma which rose to the surface as flashbacks tend to. Perhaps I am feeling an ache in my heart for the wrongs against humanity (which, I do have often). I cannot explain it. What I do know is, I feel sad today. I feel like I need to cry and I do not know why. I feel like I want to sleep (it’s only 6:30 pm). Oddly, I don’t feel like drinking even though I have a bottle of wine in the house. I don’t know what I want to do in this moment. I don’t know how to ask for what I need or go get what I need, because I don’t know what I need right now. Perhaps I need to feel the sadness, the helplessness and simply sit with that for a while. In our anguish, valuable lessons are taught. I know I have much to learn about myself still. I am willing, open and ready to learn from my pain.

A Difficult Conversation

I am your classic over-thinker. I’d like to say I’m in recovery, however my mind still tries to get in my way. There is a constant “talking myself off the wall” which occurs in my brain, especially when I’m under stress. In the past, I’ve been crippled into inaction by decisions because I could not foresee the future. I would try to estimate other’s reactions and weigh the impact my decision might have on those around me which has been exhausting. I finally accepted that I cannot control everything. What a liberating mindset! My children have their own lives. Whatever I decide to do in life, it will be my path. My children (who are now adults) will have to make their own way. That’s the nature of things.

Tonight, I finally had a difficult conversation I’d been putting off for far too long. It finally felt right to mention the proverbial elephant in the room. The opportunity arose and I took it. I feel better but also a bit sad, perhaps. A big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the dread is gone.

Big changes are not easy. However, they are necessary in order for growth. As it turns out, myself and this other person were in the same mind. The only thing which needed to happen was bravery from one of us to broach the conversation. As my therapist said many times, the situation is usually never as bad as I’ve imagined. How true, how true.