For the last day of shiatsu class, our instructor lead us through a guided meditation. The day before, we did a gratitude meditation (which made me cry. Not too difficult to do anymore). This last meditation asked us to breathe, be aware of our breath and recall times in the past when our breath was significant. There was a list of 22 things to recall and focus on but we only got through 11. One of the things was a body scan. We were asked to focus on our body and emotions and be aware of what came to our attention. We were asked to be aware of any sensations and any emotions. We were asked to look at these things with curiosity and compassion.
I thought nothing would come up for me during this meditation because I often feel like I’m “doing it wrong” when it comes to these exercises. I was surprised that I noticed a lot of pain in my body. Mostly around my shoulders and neck. I think I have it most of the time but it has become my “normal” and it doesn’t really register in my consciousness until I pay attention. I also noticed a lot of sadness within myself. I have a happy face a lot of the time. I try to look for the good in my day and I try to focus on the positives. I also strive to be sunshine and light for those around me. As we did this meditation, I noticed that I have a current of sadness which is constant. If I could give it a color, it would be sea green. If I could give it a shape and size, it would be about 3-4″ tall and flowing under the surface of my awareness, much like warm salt water taffy. How’s that for a visual?
I was diagnosed with mild depression some time ago. I have not been on medication for over five years now. (Not that there’s anything wrong with medication! Not what I’m saying at all). I have been working on myself quite a lot since starting massage school at the beginning of this year. I have made some big changes in my life since January. I know those changes were needed but they also bring me an element of sadness. Mourning the past and the dissolving of relationships requires time and focus on processing the grief. I don’t think I’ve done proper grieving. I’ve distracted myself instead. I’ve become busy with school and friends and building other relationships. All of that is fine but I need to deal with the sadness I have. I need to sit with it and process. I need to make peace with what I feel inside. To be perfectly honest, I don’t quite know how to do this either.
Oddly, the gratitude meditation we did this past Wednesday brought much of this sadness to the surface. There are many things I take for granted. I feel I take my health for granted. Also my senses. I assume my sight and hearing will always be there and it won’t. I am grateful for my family’s support and presence. I am grateful for the friends I have made at massage school. I am grateful for the friend I’ve met outside of massage school. I am grateful for the financial support I have so I can live and buy things I need. I am grateful for my instructors. I am grateful for so many things.
I am grateful for the life lessons and lessons about myself that I’ve learned over the past 6 months. It’s been life changing and I would not change any of it. I feel there’s a few more lessons to learn and I am open to them.
Things On My Mind 