It is January 1st, 2019. This is the day where a lot of people are considering their resolutions for the new year. To be quite honest, the end of the year kinda snuck up on me. I hadn’t thought of any goals I wanted to achieve in 2019, apart from hopefully getting my own place sometime in this new year. Also, finding a job by which I can fully support myself is also a big goal for this year. I’m thankful for those who have helped support me emotionally and financially over this past year, truly. Without them, I would have not made it very far.
This past week I’ve been reflecting back on how much I changed over the course of 2018. On Jan 21st, 2018 I started massage school. It’s hard to put into words a summary of my experiences in massage school. I made vlogs throughout my time in school and a week ago, I deleted all but 4 of them. Looking back on the different stages I went through during school was uncomfortable and painful, but often growth is. It was quite freeing to delete those vlogs because I didn’t want the reminder of where I’d been. I am, most definitely, looking forward.
I finished with massage school on Aug 16th, 2018. I skipped graduation and it felt amazing to do so. It was the first step towards doing what I needed for myself despite pressure from others. I also left school with miniscule self confidence, which was surprising. In the weeks after school, I searched for a job. On Aug 31st 2018, I was hired on at Lowe’s and I’m still employed there. My confidence has been restored and that confidence has trickled over into other areas of my life.
One thing I’ve struggled with for YEARS has been good boundaries and holding others to treating me well. If I don’t respect myself and demand that I am treated with courtesy, respect and decency, no one else will. In the not so distant past, I used to be a real bleeding heart, being emotionally involved in everyone else’s turmoil or struggle. I have noticed a marked change in myself recently and it has been a welcome surprise. I am aware that I cannot “save” everyone around me nor does everyone want this from me. Sometimes, I need to just back the hell off and not be involved. In doing so, it does not make me an uncaring person, it makes me a person with good boundaries. A big part of what I’ve learned is this: I cannot love someone into loving me. No matter how much I give of myself, it will not change their heart nor will it make events play into my favor. I have to take care of me first and just allow the rest to simply be. It’s no reflection on me or my value if someone doesn’t love me back. That has been a difficult but valuable lesson which I’ve learned this past year.
I also realize that how much or how little I give does not influence how favorably others feel towards me. I’m finally able to set better boundaries from this epiphany. Granted, this is still a work in progress but I feel my awareness is stronger now and I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally than at the start of 2018. This is the one thing I am thankful for the most.
Much of 2018 was filled with growing pains and tough decisions. It’s been a rough road but I’ve survived. I am looking forward to the new year. I know my evolution is not finished but I feel strong as I type this post.
Happy 2019 everyone. I truly wish you all they very best this new year has to offer.