Jack Daniels made me write it.

Drinking again, which seems to be ongoing

Numbing the ache in my heart and the longing

Thinking of you more often than I should

Wondering if possibly, we could?

I saw into your mind, I read of your longing

Your wish to feel loved and a need for belonging

Your soul is intriguing, with both darkness and light

I tried to push you from my mind, but it’s a fight

You, with your beautiful eyes, dark hair and your smile

I’d gladly lay in your arms for a while

Do you even think about me?

Is it irrational to wish this could be?

I long for your touch with all of my might

And I’d risk it all, wanting more than just a night

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Just Friends, Again

“Let’s just be friends” says another
That makes #4 this year
I’m not even mad anymore
I’m just tired.

What they thought they’d seen
Wasn’t fully me
Just a one side
A simple misconception

Take the time
Look deeper
Past the surface
Beyond the silliness

Darkness and light
Pain behind a smile
Joy mixed with sadness
Many sides to one soul

CRAVE

In August, I have a photo shoot planned. I booked it back in March. I’ve met the photographer and she is wonderful. I am hella nervous anytime I think about it. Why? What I’m having done is called “intimate portraiture” or boudoir photography. It’s the CRAVE experience from R2 Studios, located in Flagstaff, AZ. They’re a great group of women and I honestly am excited about the experience. Now, this experience can be tailored to whatever the client wants and if getting pictures in your skivvies is not what you want, you don’t have to. I still don’t know what I am going to wear or who I want to be for this shoot. I was thinking about clothes and kicking around ideas the other day. I’m getting a new tattoo (something I do when I’m sad) and I’m thinking of ways to show that off as well as the older ones I have. I honestly don’t know if I’ll do many in my undies but I definitely want to find a cropped black leather biker jacket and probably some tall boots. Their style consultant will call me next month and we’ll discuss ideas so maybe I’ll have a better vision at that point. I’ve been hesitant to tell people I have this shoot coming up. My reasons behind booking it are pretty personal and the last thing I want is to hear ridicule or be classed as that pathetic, middle aged woman who needs to feel young again. My reasons are a bit more deeply seeded that just needing to feel young again. I need to feel “worth” something again because I haven’t felt valued in a long time. I want to have a day where it’s all about me and people actually care, and not just because they’re being polite or it’s their job and they’re being paid to care.

I booked this as a way to bet me out of my self-hate cycle. I’ve been struggling with liking myself physically and mentally. I’ have never felt like one of the “pretty girls” and I certainly have never been one of the cool kids. I’m a little awkward sometimes and I get very excited around cool people. That feeling may not always be reciprocated though and then I feel very embarrassed for reaching out in the first place. I feel like I can be a massive annoyance to everyone around me much of the time, especially when I’m in a funk and need to talk. When I’m not doing well mentally, this feeling of being an absolute bother is magnified by about 50%. From this bad place, I often feel like I need to apologize for just being myself. Like, it’s not OK to be me, “why am I here?” and maybe I should just go away…. When new people follow me on social media, I feel like I need to add this disclaimer to my account: “I post lots of random nonsense from my life but mostly pictures of my dog. You’ve been warned”. But seriously though, what’s wrong with loads of dog pictures?? He’s freaking awesome and quite a handsome boy!

Other steps towards getting out of the self-hate cycle have included doing nice things for myself. I got my hair cut last week. This week I’m getting my eyebrows tinted this Thursday (so it looks like I actually have some!) and next month, I’m getting my hair colored professionally. I would do a facial but I have a difficult time when people touch my face and I hate using products on my face. I hardly use any makeup and I struggle to put on sunscreen because it feels very yucky for the first 2 minutes. In my interview with the photographer, the first thing I told her was, “I kinda suck at being a girl”, and that statement still rings true! I’m trying to make little steps towards doing taking care of myself better, for the long haul.

On a side note, I’ve been able to go 3 days without washing my hair. I’ve tried to do this in the past and have failed, due to my hypersensitivity to filth, smells, and sensations. However, with a bit of guidance from my stylist, I managed to do it. I’m on day 4 and my hair doesn’t feel disgusting, much to my surprise. I think I’ve turned a corner and I’m pretty happy about that. As a kid, I hated having sticky hands. I hated having my hair touched or played with (which my mom would do during church, “because it’s so soft!”. It drove me nuts.). I realize these little victories may seem pretty insignificant or ridiculous to someone who doesn’t understand or have the same tenancies.

Better hair care, skin care, increasing exercise, having a better diet and actually getting massages are the things I’m striving to do for myself. If I don’t take care of myself and treat myself with disregard, others will follow suit. My physical health, mental health and overall well-being starts with me.

The Therapeutic Relationship

The relationship a massage therapist has with clients is a peculiar one. I was discussing this with a friend the other day. I was telling her I was missing a few of my regular clients. Folks who’d schedule with me every two weeks or every week, without fail, had dropped off my schedule. If you’ve ever been my client and you’ve shared a bit about your life with me, I care about ya. Simple as that. If you drop off my schedule, I hope you’re feeling good in your body and I hope if you’re not getting bodywork from me, you’re getting it from somewhere.

In school, we were taught to maintain our client’s privacy. So for example, if we see them out in the store, I can smile but we are told to keep the fact that this is a client on the low down. I reminds me of a doctor/patient relationship or psychotherapist/client relationship in that we know things about you but we can’t act like we do. I know my client’s life stresses and where they hold tension. I learn about their traumatic injuries. I see their scars. I can sense the unseen scars too. I hear about their hobbies. I hear about their travels and learn about their families…. I know where they have tattoos! Sometimes I am told the history of those tattoos too. It’s a very intimate, platonic, unique and wonderful relationship.

Where I work, the clients aren’t “my” clients. They belong to the chain spa, meaning if I want to contact a client to see how they’re doing, I am not allowed. So, if you suddenly drop off my schedule, I will thinking about you. I’ll be hoping that stressful work situation you told me about resolves in a positive way. I’ll be hoping your new business venture is a success and I’ll be wondering if you every got your back piece done. I’ll wonder and hope your world is full of joy and happiness. You are not a paycheck to me. You are a magnificent, unique person. I truly appreciate each client who puts their trust in me.