The Shopaholic

There once was a wench, who was full of lust

An insatiable lust for shopping

Wasn’t due to need, nor due to greed

Her driving force was boredom

Her parcels from Amazon, stacked

Her nest egg, now thoroughly cracked

Counting down the days ’til her next paycheck

Bills are left unpaid

Creditors come a knockin’

This pattern won’t change until she hits rock bottom

Sitting in her castle, surrounded by things

The adrenaline rush slowly wanes

Reality sets in

And the itch begins again













CRAVE next month

My CRAVE photo shoot is getting closer. It’s been on my mind a lot recently and I’ve been saving items for my ideas on Amazon. My wish list is an eclectic mix of sexy clothing, lingerie, TV show box sets and massage related items. Everything in balance, right?

I have been thinking a lot this year about who I am and how I see myself. Seems like the real me got lost somewhere along the way amongst the mom/wife duties and expectations of the past. The steamy, sexy vixen I fancy myself to be, in my head, got lost and hidden. I’m in the CRAVE Facebook group, which consists of people who have done a photo shoot already and those who have them coming up. It’s the best, most supportive group of women. The ones who have done their photo shoots already share their stories and tell of what prompted them to take the leap.

Most recently was a story from a gal who said she struggled to love herself and see herself as beautiful. I could really relate to what she was saying and feeling. I have caught myself (when planning my outfits) thinking, “I’m not going to look amazing. I’m going to look exactly as I expect I do….fat, old, strong and manly and not sexy at all. This shoot is just going to prove me right about how I see myself.” To say I have a few insecurities about my body is an understatement. I’m the most critical person of myself, in any room. I want to see myself as the tough but soft, sexy siren because that’s who I feel I truly am on the inside. I despise being called “cute” and I get annoyed when men think I’m nothing but wholesome, sweet innocence.  It’s nice when they stick around after the truth comes out, but that hasn’t been the case recently. So goes dating life.

I want to be proven wrong which this photo shoot. I can’t erase the images that were taken of me by a different photographer back in March of last year. I was trying to be brave and overcome my body issues then and I hated nearly every photo. I even did topless photos, just to prove I could. In every picture, I felt like I looked fat, unintelligent and not even remotely sexy. I also hated being told to smile….or “smirk”.  I wanted to shout, “Focus on my eyes, please! Not my naturally awkward and derpy smile!” I want these negative thoughts I have about myself to evaporate when I see my CRAVE pictures. I know that’s a tall order for a photo shoot but I need a different perspective. I need to have a different image of myself. Different than the one I see in the mirror, because I think the mirror lies. Or maybe my mind lies. Not sure which.

2019, half past

Being an adult is tough. No one ever mentioned all the pitfalls to me when I was a kid, wishing I could just be and adult already. Little did I know, I had it pretty good. A roof was over my head, food on the table, my cat was also taken care of. No real worries except my thoughts and dreams. Let’s face it, childhood wasn’t all rosy and wonderful. My depression started when I was quite young and that’s continued into adulthood, making things challenging along the way. But still, I was taken care of and my physical needs were met.

Fast forward to now, and it all feels a bit iffy and pretty damn scary. I left my marriage a little over a year ago. I’m still not “officially” divorced but we’ve been separated since May 2018. I’ve moved to a different town and am currently living with my dad. It’s been going well and I’ve been working through the challenges that naturally come along in life. I’ve honestly have never lived 100% on my own before. Ever. It’s one of those things which makes me feel like I’m just not quite a “grown up” despite being in my 40’s. I’ve always had someone to rely on. Someone to help me out financially when I needed it. I’ve always had some form of support, near or far, when I’ve needed it.

Things in my world are going to change again in a few months, I don’t know when exactly. My dad is moving across the country. He’s met someone and he plans on starting yet another new chapter in his life. I’m very happy for him. I’m also quite scared for me. This new town where I live is tough to get a good job. Granted, I don’t want to go back to doing anything I’ve actually have done in the past. I’ve looked at healthcare jobs and the thought of returning to that field in the capacity in which I left turns my stomach in knots. I can’t go back. I simply can’t. I’d be happy working wherever I felt needed, as long as I could pay my bills. Hell, I’d shovel muck from horse stalls if it meant I could live simpler, comfortably and moderately stress free.

I don’t typically pray. I feel like I don’t deserve divine intervention given that I’m such a heathen. Anytime someone mentions praying about difficult things, it reminds me of how helpless I felt as a kid when my mom hung all her hopes on the divine. It felt like a waste of energy and false hope, orchestrated by a long lineage of fear. I’ve often felt humanities’s plan and path is already mapped out for us, we’re just unaware of the direction. I feel in life, many people wander and feel very lost.  There is a plan, there has to be. I can’t accept we’re just puppets in this grand show called life, put here for some deity’s entertainment. I feel our souls have lessons to learn, we’re just not privy to any of the levels we must achieve. We must have a purpose. There has to be more than simply surviving or wandering through in the dark, feeling around for obstacles and hoping like hell we don’t fall into a pit.

I genuinely don’t know why I’m here most of the time. I struggle with feeling useful and needed. I feel like I have more to do but I have no idea what it is. No one has given me the play book or shown me the cheat codes for this game. I am trying my best to have genuine interactions with people and meaningful conversations in hopes that is part of my purpose. I’m trying to live from my heart with a hope that it will get me further than living closed off has. My future remains very uncertain and scary. My heart feels heavy today as there is a lot weighing on my mind.

I have and still am applying for jobs. I am currently employed but I have a strong desire to work somewhere else better suited. I filled out an application for a low income apartment complex today. They have a waiting list of about 2 years. That’s typical in this area. I am putting out feelers in other areas for work in hopes something positive happens. Meanwhile, my phlebotomy class will be starting in August. I am trying to make myself as employable as possible by picking up new skills which aren’t massage related. My body is at it’s limit as far as massages per week. I started into massage later in life than some and I can’t work the hours others do. I’m doing my best to listen to my body and intuition, in all things, and chart my course from there.