CRAVE next month

My CRAVE photo shoot is getting closer. It’s been on my mind a lot recently and I’ve been saving items for my ideas on Amazon. My wish list is an eclectic mix of sexy clothing, lingerie, TV show box sets and massage related items. Everything in balance, right?

I have been thinking a lot this year about who I am and how I see myself. Seems like the real me got lost somewhere along the way amongst the mom/wife duties and expectations of the past. The steamy, sexy vixen I fancy myself to be, in my head, got lost and hidden. I’m in the CRAVE Facebook group, which consists of people who have done a photo shoot already and those who have them coming up. It’s the best, most supportive group of women. The ones who have done their photo shoots already share their stories and tell of what prompted them to take the leap.

Most recently was a story from a gal who said she struggled to love herself and see herself as beautiful. I could really relate to what she was saying and feeling. I have caught myself (when planning my outfits) thinking, “I’m not going to look amazing. I’m going to look exactly as I expect I do….fat, old, strong and manly and not sexy at all. This shoot is just going to prove me right about how I see myself.” To say I have a few insecurities about my body is an understatement. I’m the most critical person of myself, in any room. I want to see myself as the tough but soft, sexy siren because that’s who I feel I truly am on the inside. I despise being called “cute” and I get annoyed when men think I’m nothing but wholesome, sweet innocence.  It’s nice when they stick around after the truth comes out, but that hasn’t been the case recently. So goes dating life.

I want to be proven wrong which this photo shoot. I can’t erase the images that were taken of me by a different photographer back in March of last year. I was trying to be brave and overcome my body issues then and I hated nearly every photo. I even did topless photos, just to prove I could. In every picture, I felt like I looked fat, unintelligent and not even remotely sexy. I also hated being told to smile….or “smirk”.  I wanted to shout, “Focus on my eyes, please! Not my naturally awkward and derpy smile!” I want these negative thoughts I have about myself to evaporate when I see my CRAVE pictures. I know that’s a tall order for a photo shoot but I need a different perspective. I need to have a different image of myself. Different than the one I see in the mirror, because I think the mirror lies. Or maybe my mind lies. Not sure which.