I survived my CRAVE session

This past Thursday, I did my Crave photo shoot in Flagstaff at R2 Studios. My makeup was done by Ceci, Emmy did my hair, Robin took the pictures and Liz helped coach me through the session and poses. Renee checked in on us to see if we needed anything. They’re an amazing group of women and so lovely, each one of them.

I am not used to being the center of attention. It’s actually a very nerve wracking place to be, thanks to social anxiety. I had to push down my discomfort and just dive in. Five outfit changes and several hours later and it was over. All my nervousness was gone and I walked out dazed, still in disbelief that I did it. I go back to Flagstaff Sept 20th to see the final pictures and pick out what I want. I am excited to see how they turn out. Robin was excited with the shots. I know she’s madly talented and whatever she gets will be amazing. I almost didn’t recognize myself after Ceci and Emmy got finished with me. I said “Wow!” when I saw myself in the mirror. I asked if my hair could be bigger and if my eye makeup could be a little bit darker. After the touch ups, we got cracking.

I originally went into this shoot thinking of all the people I’d show these pictures to. I wanted the praise and admiration. About a week before my session, I had a bit of a break down and canceled. I realized I was going into it for all the wrong reasons and this need for other’s approval was a pattern I’d played out many times before. After some more thought and talking to close friends, I decided to keep my appointment. Robin also called, reassuring me and we discussed a different direction for the session. I am wearing more clothes in my pictures than most folks have, I think. Nothing wrong with that. I went into it with a new mindset of doing this shoot for myself. Not for anyone else. Not for the admiration or praise from anyone. I honestly may not show that many people my pictures. Just a select few. We’ll see. Either way, I hope I can finally see myself the way other people do. I’ve been called “strong” and “confident”. I do not feel either of those things inside, much of the time. I feel uncertain and nervous on most days. Apparently I can hide it well. I want to be able to see the good in me and I hope these photos can show me some of that.


I think back to the days when my children were new. Those sleepless nights felt endless. I felt I’d never get through. The insomnia, the anxiety about what I’d gotten myself into? It was temporary.

Now that my kids are grown, I wonder where all the time has gone. I sit here on my bed reflecting, alone. Past pain and the stresses, the good times we try not to forget. The memories, both good and bad. This and all of the rest. It was temporary.

Forty four years have passed in a flash. I’m not sure how many years I’ll have left. To be quite honest, with my genetics, it’s anyone’s guess. All I do know is, it’s temporary.

So what can I do with the rest of my time? I tried to seek guidance from the divine, which felt like a waste of time. Grasping at air is how it feels, but I know this sensation is temporary.

I don’t have any real answers and I have no advice to give, except; love all that you can, take everything in, hug everyone more than twice and don’t be afraid of new beginnings. Because everything in this life is temporary.

Damn you…..

I do love you, I do

But, I don’t think you know it

You’re just some writer, biker-poet

Dark poetry and pain pours from your soul

Poured out on paper, as it has nowhere else to go

You have the most beautifully tormented mind

I love you despite your wounds and scars inside

Not all scars are external, most are within

Your pain is so great, I don’t know when it began

I love you, but I’m afraid to fully show it

I say “I love you” in other ways, so hopefully you’ll know it

I say “You’re special to me” and tell you “I care”

Also texting, “I appreciate you” when we are not near

I don’t know the future but you’ve captured my heart

Love makes me long for you when we are apart.