I survived my CRAVE session

This past Thursday, I did my Crave photo shoot in Flagstaff at R2 Studios. My makeup was done by Ceci, Emmy did my hair, Robin took the pictures and Liz helped coach me through the session and poses. Renee checked in on us to see if we needed anything. They’re an amazing group of women and so lovely, each one of them.

I am not used to being the center of attention. It’s actually a very nerve wracking place to be, thanks to social anxiety. I had to push down my discomfort and just dive in. Five outfit changes and several hours later and it was over. All my nervousness was gone and I walked out dazed, still in disbelief that I did it. I go back to Flagstaff Sept 20th to see the final pictures and pick out what I want. I am excited to see how they turn out. Robin was excited with the shots. I know she’s madly talented and whatever she gets will be amazing. I almost didn’t recognize myself after Ceci and Emmy got finished with me. I said “Wow!” when I saw myself in the mirror. I asked if my hair could be bigger and if my eye makeup could be a little bit darker. After the touch ups, we got cracking.

I originally went into this shoot thinking of all the people I’d show these pictures to. I wanted the praise and admiration. About a week before my session, I had a bit of a break down and canceled. I realized I was going into it for all the wrong reasons and this need for other’s approval was a pattern I’d played out many times before. After some more thought and talking to close friends, I decided to keep my appointment. Robin also called, reassuring me and we discussed a different direction for the session. I am wearing more clothes in my pictures than most folks have, I think. Nothing wrong with that. I went into it with a new mindset of doing this shoot for myself. Not for anyone else. Not for the admiration or praise from anyone. I honestly may not show that many people my pictures. Just a select few. We’ll see. Either way, I hope I can finally see myself the way other people do. I’ve been called “strong” and “confident”. I do not feel either of those things inside, much of the time. I feel uncertain and nervous on most days. Apparently I can hide it well. I want to be able to see the good in me and I hope these photos can show me some of that.

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Temporary

I think back to the days when my children were new. Those sleepless nights felt endless. I felt I’d never get through. The insomnia, the anxiety about what I’d gotten myself into? It was temporary.

Now that my kids are grown, I wonder where all the time has gone. I sit here on my bed reflecting, alone. Past pain and the stresses, the good times we try not to forget. The memories, both good and bad. This and all of the rest. It was temporary.

Forty four years have passed in a flash. I’m not sure how many years I’ll have left. To be quite honest, with my genetics, it’s anyone’s guess. All I do know is, it’s temporary.

So what can I do with the rest of my time? I tried to seek guidance from the divine, which felt like a waste of time. Grasping at air is how it feels, but I know this sensation is temporary.

I don’t have any real answers and I have no advice to give, except; love all that you can, take everything in, hug everyone more than twice and don’t be afraid of new beginnings. Because everything in this life is temporary.

Damn you…..

I do love you, I do

But, I don’t think you know it

You’re just some writer, biker-poet

Dark poetry and pain pours from your soul

Poured out on paper, as it has nowhere else to go

You have the most beautifully tormented mind

I love you despite your wounds and scars inside

Not all scars are external, most are within

Your pain is so vast, I don’t know when it began

Timid rabbit, I love you, but I’m afraid to fully show it

I say “I love you” in other ways, so hopefully you’ll know it

I say “You’re special to me” and tell you “I care”

Also texting, “I appreciate you” when we are not near

I don’t know the future but you’ve captured my heart

Love makes me long for you when we are apart.

 

 

 

 

The Shopaholic

There once was a wench, who was full of lust

An insatiable lust for shopping

Wasn’t due to need, nor due to greed

Her driving force was boredom

Her parcels from Amazon, stacked

Her nest egg, now thoroughly cracked

Counting down the days ’til her next paycheck

Bills are left unpaid

Creditors come a knockin’

This pattern won’t change until she hits rock bottom

Sitting in her castle, surrounded by things

The adrenaline rush slowly wanes

Reality sets in

And the itch begins again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CRAVE next month

My CRAVE photo shoot is getting closer. It’s been on my mind a lot recently and I’ve been saving items for my ideas on Amazon. My wish list is an eclectic mix of sexy clothing, lingerie, TV show box sets and massage related items. Everything in balance, right?

I have been thinking a lot this year about who I am and how I see myself. Seems like the real me got lost somewhere along the way amongst the mom/wife duties and expectations of the past. The steamy, sexy vixen I fancy myself to be, in my head, got lost and hidden. I’m in the CRAVE Facebook group, which consists of people who have done a photo shoot already and those who have them coming up. It’s the best, most supportive group of women. The ones who have done their photo shoots already share their stories and tell of what prompted them to take the leap.

Most recently was a story from a gal who said she struggled to love herself and see herself as beautiful. I could really relate to what she was saying and feeling. I have caught myself (when planning my outfits) thinking, “I’m not going to look amazing. I’m going to look exactly as I expect I do….fat, old, strong and manly and not sexy at all. This shoot is just going to prove me right about how I see myself.” To say I have a few insecurities about my body is an understatement. I’m the most critical person of myself, in any room. I want to see myself as the tough but soft, sexy siren because that’s who I feel I truly am on the inside. I despise being called “cute” and I get annoyed when men think I’m nothing but wholesome, sweet innocence.  It’s nice when they stick around after the truth comes out, but that hasn’t been the case recently. So goes dating life.

I want to be proven wrong which this photo shoot. I can’t erase the images that were taken of me by a different photographer back in March of last year. I was trying to be brave and overcome my body issues then and I hated nearly every photo. I even did topless photos, just to prove I could. In every picture, I felt like I looked fat, unintelligent and not even remotely sexy. I also hated being told to smile….or “smirk”.  I wanted to shout, “Focus on my eyes, please! Not my naturally awkward and derpy smile!” I want these negative thoughts I have about myself to evaporate when I see my CRAVE pictures. I know that’s a tall order for a photo shoot but I need a different perspective. I need to have a different image of myself. Different than the one I see in the mirror, because I think the mirror lies. Or maybe my mind lies. Not sure which.

2019, half past

Being an adult is tough. No one ever mentioned all the pitfalls to me when I was a kid, wishing I could just be and adult already. Little did I know, I had it pretty good. A roof was over my head, food on the table, my cat was also taken care of. No real worries except my thoughts and dreams. Let’s face it, childhood wasn’t all rosy and wonderful. My depression started when I was quite young and that’s continued into adulthood, making things challenging along the way. But still, I was taken care of and my physical needs were met.

Fast forward to now, and it all feels a bit iffy and pretty damn scary. I left my marriage a little over a year ago. I’m still not “officially” divorced but we’ve been separated since May 2018. I’ve moved to a different town and am currently living with my dad. It’s been going well and I’ve been working through the challenges that naturally come along in life. I’ve honestly have never lived 100% on my own before. Ever. It’s one of those things which makes me feel like I’m just not quite a “grown up” despite being in my 40’s. I’ve always had someone to rely on. Someone to help me out financially when I needed it. I’ve always had some form of support, near or far, when I’ve needed it.

Things in my world are going to change again in a few months, I don’t know when exactly. My dad is moving across the country. He’s met someone and he plans on starting yet another new chapter in his life. I’m very happy for him. I’m also quite scared for me. This new town where I live is tough to get a good job. Granted, I don’t want to go back to doing anything I’ve actually have done in the past. I’ve looked at healthcare jobs and the thought of returning to that field in the capacity in which I left turns my stomach in knots. I can’t go back. I simply can’t. I’d be happy working wherever I felt needed, as long as I could pay my bills. Hell, I’d shovel muck from horse stalls if it meant I could live simpler, comfortably and moderately stress free.

I don’t typically pray. I feel like I don’t deserve divine intervention given that I’m such a heathen. Anytime someone mentions praying about difficult things, it reminds me of how helpless I felt as a kid when my mom hung all her hopes on the divine. It felt like a waste of energy and false hope, orchestrated by a long lineage of fear. I’ve often felt humanities’s plan and path is already mapped out for us, we’re just unaware of the direction. I feel in life, many people wander and feel very lost.  There is a plan, there has to be. I can’t accept we’re just puppets in this grand show called life, put here for some deity’s entertainment. I feel our souls have lessons to learn, we’re just not privy to any of the levels we must achieve. We must have a purpose. There has to be more than simply surviving or wandering through in the dark, feeling around for obstacles and hoping like hell we don’t fall into a pit.

I genuinely don’t know why I’m here most of the time. I struggle with feeling useful and needed. I feel like I have more to do but I have no idea what it is. No one has given me the play book or shown me the cheat codes for this game. I am trying my best to have genuine interactions with people and meaningful conversations in hopes that is part of my purpose. I’m trying to live from my heart with a hope that it will get me further than living closed off has. My future remains very uncertain and scary. My heart feels heavy today as there is a lot weighing on my mind.

I have and still am applying for jobs. I am currently employed but I have a strong desire to work somewhere else better suited. I filled out an application for a low income apartment complex today. They have a waiting list of about 2 years. That’s typical in this area. I am putting out feelers in other areas for work in hopes something positive happens. Meanwhile, my phlebotomy class will be starting in August. I am trying to make myself as employable as possible by picking up new skills which aren’t massage related. My body is at it’s limit as far as massages per week. I started into massage later in life than some and I can’t work the hours others do. I’m doing my best to listen to my body and intuition, in all things, and chart my course from there.

 

 

Jack Daniels made me write it.

Drinking again, which seems to be ongoing

Numbing the ache in my heart and the longing

Thinking of you more often than I should

Wondering if possibly, we could?

I saw into your mind, I read of your longing

Your wish to feel loved and a need for belonging

Your soul is intriguing, with both darkness and light

I tried to push you from my mind, but it’s a fight

You, with your beautiful eyes, dark hair and your smile

I’d gladly lay in your arms for a while

Do you even think about me?

Is it irrational to wish this could be?

I long for your touch with all of my might

And I’d risk it all, wanting more than just a night