This week, I booked a spiritual consultation with Chris Fleming who is a psychic medium. Why would a girl raised in a strict religious household, with clergymen in the family do something like this?? Because in my gut, it felt right and it felt like it was finally the right time.
I have gone through a lot of changes the past two years. It has been a rough go but everything, I feel, has happened because it was supposed to. I will refrain from recapping life’s events. If you’ve read past posts, you’ll have an idea.
In my reading, some very interesting things were mentioned. Confirmation and clarity are blessings for someone who feels like a ship without an anchor, which is how I’ve felt for some time now. The biggest portion of what was said had to do with relationships, most significantly the one with myself and how I see myself. I was told that the reason my past relationships have not lasted is because I was not being my true self. I was being a version of myself that I thought the other person wanted. Naturally, this prompted lots of introspection, especially today. I noticed today, I’ve been especially out of sorts because I have been trying to think about who I really am.
Why do I chameleon around other people? I know I do it. It seems like other people bring out a side of me that I am comfortable showing them. I haven’t ever felt like I was being fake. I try my best to show and say what I am thinking and feeling. With my last relationship that ended recently, I realized that while I wasn’t being fake, but I was definitely holding back some of myself to preserve the other person.
The man I was dating has depression, anxiety and chronic pain. I realized that I was holding back my negative side from him. I always tried to be positive and supportive to him but that’s not how I always felt. Sometimes, I was tired or I’m in pain and I’d get grumpy as a result. Sometimes, I didn’t want to hear about his pain or his problems, I wanted him to listen to me instead. I minimized myself and my own pain because he shared so much of his. I felt like I was a whiner for even mentioning when I was struggling. I never mentioned to him that I was sad on my mom’s birthday or that I wanted to visit her grave but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it felt too hard on the day. I never mentioned any of this because he was telling me about how sad he was during his trip to New York, watching everyone with their kids and family and perfect looking lives. I realized I wasn’t sharing any of that with him and it probably made my life look really peachy, when it wasn’t. I wasn’t giving him any opportunity to show that he could be supportive of me, like I was of him. I wasn’t showing him my true self, all the unflattering angles. I held back to “save him” from that side of me and I realize I’ve done that with pretty much everyone who knows me. Not many people have seen me angry. Not many people have seen me really depressed or seen how I am when I’m anxious. Not many have seen me like how I’ve felt lately.
Today, in my grumpy state, I got to thinking rather negatively. This was something I was warned about. In my reading, I was told to keep those negative thoughts in check, because they tend to multiply and strengthen when one is already down and emotional.
Here are a few core beliefs which feeds the negativity about myself. I’ve always felt like I was really dull and boring. I have always been self conscious about my intelligence, because I never finished college and I don’t have a degree in anything. I have certifications, that’s it. I’ve also always felt like the real me must be incredibly annoying, because when I let it show in my younger years, I got a bad response.
After some more thought, I decided I probably am not so boring to the right person.
Here are a few things about me: I am an introvert and my idea of a fun night is spending it with someone I care about, watching a movie and eating snacks. Or going to a movie with someone I care about. Maybe going for a walk with someone I care about. You get the idea…. no crowds, no clubs, no noisy restaurants. Sometimes the noisy stuff is fun, but in small doses. Staying in, hanging out, eating food, enjoy each other’s company and talk about real stuff….that’s what I typically prefer. Some of the best nights I had with the fella I was dating, we did exactly this. Nothing fancy, just hanging out and being together. That’s what I enjoy most. I enjoy deep conversations too. I enjoy smart people who listen, don’t judge and who teach me things. I enjoy learning about new ideas or discussing psychology or music I’ve never heard. I enjoy talking about different cultures and travel. This world is a big place, I want to explore more of it someday. I want to talk about people’s fears or joys or how they felt during a difficult or significant point in their life. I want to talk about the weird things or kooky things or kinky things people might be afraid to share. I want to know those things about someone and I want to share those things about me with them. I want to be supported the way I support a partner. I want to feel deeply loved when I love someone deeply.
My negative traits include impatience, especially while driving. Anger, especially when I am already depressed (little things just annoy the hell out of me when I’m down). I tend to “mother” people and it’s something I’m trying my best to stop (because people find it very annoying and patronizing after a while). I care much too deeply about other’s lives, often at the expense of myself. I have shit boundary keeping skills at times. As a former people pleaser, and someone who grew up in a house where the best face was always put forth, it’s hard to break those ingrained patterns. I have a lot of self doubt in general, more so when I am feeling anxious or depressed, despite the fact that people see me as a very strong person. I need reassurance when I don’t feel strong, which is more often than I’d like to admit. I am insecure about my looks, especially in comparison to other women. I don’t really feel attractive unless I am getting positive reinforcement from a partner. I am anxious, especially around new people. Social anxiety is a real thing and it’s intensity fluctuates depending on the situation. I hate when someone is angry with me. It is almost as bad as a physical wound in that it bothers me so deeply. I will try whatever I can do to make the situation “right”. Also, I tend to apologize when I don’t need to or when I’ve done nothing wrong.
So, there you have it. The good and the bad. I’m trying to work on the shortcomings and be very honest about them. I am trying to not get down on myself because of them, because I really can beat myself up for being human. The remainder of this year is going to involve me trying to figure out who I am, with no hiding and no chameleon -ing. I am looking at more change next year but I’m not sure how it’s all going to come together. All I will say is, I’m due a fresh start.