The most wonder time of the year??

I might be in the minority here, but I genuinely hate the holiday season. So often I’ve wished we could just skip all holidays at the end of the year and just power through to the new year.

I used to like Thanksgiving at one point in time but since I’m divorced, that holiday isn’t the same anymore either. In 2018, even though we were separated, the ex and I still got together with the boys and we cooked, just like we had in years past. Last year, my dad and I visited my sister’s family. This year, my dad has remarried and moved across the country. My boys both have to work. The ex has travel plans. There’s a big snow storm heading our way Thanksgiving day. My sister is having friends, her other half and his mother over for dinner and vegging with football. My sister is the closest family and I planned to spend it with her. However, I just looked at my bank account and made the decision to stay home. I shall have four glorious days off, all to myself, just me and my pup, Chico. Unfortunately, I do not get holiday pay so my next check will be a bit sparse. My dad texted asking what my plans were. I told him I’d rather stay home and give the entire business a miss.

I keep seeing posts saying one’s mental health is so much more important than choosing to spend time with family when the relationships are unhealthy, abusive or toxic. I could not agree more. There are a myriad of reasons why families do not get along. I can speak from experience and say that grinning and bearing it, even for one day is not worth the bother. It’s the “shoulds” that get us every time. Why “should” we go be with family when the emotional turmoil is the cost we pay? It doesn’t make sense. I did it for all the years my mother was alive, just to keep her happy. I denied my instincts. I denied myself and never acted in my best interests. Amidst my inability to stand up for myself, I resented the pressure put on me to show up and put on a happy face. I resented being expected to play my role in her Norman Rockwell idea of what Thanksgiving and Christmas should look like. My mother wanted to relive her holiday experiences she had as a child but that ship had sailed long ago when we moved to Arizona.

My mother’s last Thanksgiving and Christmas was in 2015. She passed away on June 5th, 2016. That last Thanksgiving and Christmas with her were actually the best. I knew it was going to be her last holidays spent with us all together. On Thanksgiving, we went to Golden Corral for dinner. There was 11 of us. No stress, no dishes to clean, everyone was together and we ate well. On Christmas, we all got together again at my folk’s house. We took pictures. Opened gifts. Laughed. My mom really enjoyed the day with us all around. I remember my dad scolding my sister’s kids for squabbling. They didn’t know this was grandma’s last Christmas, they were just being kids. My dad wanted it all to be perfect because he knew how much mom enjoyed having everyone together.

All the holidays after 1987 up until 2015 were tough. All the holidays since 2015 have been tough and this year is no different. There’s been so much change for me in the past two years. Most notably, moving, a divorce and losing 4 family members within that span of time. This time of year is always a mixed bag of memories and emotions for me. Someday I’ll put forth effort to make new traditions and memories. This is not the year, however. As I said before, I’m just trying to power through to 2020.

Life’s twists and turns

Thought I’d try writing an actual blog post this time instead of poetry. There’s too much on my mind at the moment and I need to write it out.

2019 has been a year with more change. Change is good. It’s needed. It’s also difficult. 2018 was also a year of needed, difficult change. I suspect 2020 will be no different. Maybe flapper dresses will come back in vogue as well as double breasted, pinstriped suits and fedoras. Hey, a girl with her heart in the 1920’s can hope. Right?

I’ve changed jobs a few times in 2019. I’ve dated several guys. The last one ended badly and I’m still recovering, nearly 2 months on. I really fell for the last one and despite it all, I still care and hope he’s well. Damn my empathetic sensitivities. I wish I could just say, “Fuck that guy, he was an asshole!” and be over it all but my heart doesn’t work that way. Despite being wounded by him, I can see the wounding in him and things make sense. I did a cord cutting ritual a few weeks ago and the intense ache when I thought of him lessened. I thought I was doing really well, not checking his social media, not thinking about him as much. I was doing really well, until last night.

Last night was rough. Something happened at work last week and it affected me more deeply than I realized. (See previous poetic post) I’ve had anxiety which has manifested in odd ways. I’ve had an itchy neck and scalp for the past week. I wondered if I had lice but that’s not possible! I haven’t changed soaps or other products. It didn’t make sense until I went to work yesterday and the bosses were there. I had stabs of anxiety all day. I avoided the bosses and kept busy, hoping to avoid any conversation. I was not so lucky. As my coworker and I stood there talking to the boss, my stomach cringed. I pinched my arm and dug my nails into the back of my neck to fight the urge to run away.

Another urge was very present in my mind. Self harm. I wasn’t a cutter as a kid or teen but those thoughts were there when I was young. I had a pocket knife as a kid. I don’t like pain and I don’t like blood so I never took to cutting. Yesterday however, the thought of coming home, heating up wire and burning myself was at the forefront of my mind. Honestly, the thought of harming myself in this way has been in my head since my last break up. The fella I was dating had old cutting scars from when he was younger. Last night, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to ask him about this. I wanted to understand the urge. I felt very ashamed, alone, conflicted and sad. I wanted to talk to him but I felt it was best to leave him be. After all, he threw me away with a slew of hateful words. Logic said this is not the right place to seek comfort and understanding. Logic didn’t stop me from stalking his social media though. I learned he’s moved to the big city. I hope he’s doing well for himself and succeeding, because he needs a win.

But, back to me….

Instead if trying to contact him, I got drunk. I wanted to numb. I wished I could get high but I don’t have the means. Before I left work last night, I told my coworker I was having these thoughts. I told another friend last night and we talked. I told a different friend today because this shit festers in secrecy and I know, for me, this isn’t good. My therapy appointment is tomorrow. I will mention it then too. Today I’ve been applying for jobs. I am hoping to get something soon because I can’t afford to quit without something else already lined up. I’ve spent the day in my pajamas, drinking tea too. Sometimes, rest is what’s needed and given the recent hit, it’s all I’m up for at this point.

 

One about the boss

Once again, I find myself working for a lecherous man

I had such an inkling before I signed on

Upon our first meeting, I saw it in our first greeting

But I naively pushed my gut feeling aside

 

Now as time has passed

It wasn’t because of my dress

The evidence is quite vast

With this company, I’m not sure how long I can last

 

Last week, my gut feelings were made clearer

The boss’ wife and I were in the office

Voices started to play from his computer

I thought it was a news interview, but I was wrong

 

As moans of pleasure filled the office space

I commenced a frantic tab-closing race

I’m not sure why I was trying to save his face

Good lord, why won’t these damn noises shut off?!

 

With his wife standing at my side

Innocently asking me what was playing and why

While I was thinking, “Yeah, you really should be asking your guy!”

My simple reply was, “porn”

 

Cord Cutting

At 2 am, I decided it was time

The energetic cords needed cutting

With candles lit and incense burning

I called our ancestors to the party

 

I wrote your name, your birth date, your town

I added your parent’s names too

Your name, in some parts, is common enough

Wanted to ensure I listed the “correct” you

 

I wrote my name, my birth date and my town

Listing my parents and my maiden name

Done with purpose and for clarification

For reasons, just the same

 

Two scrolls tied at opposite ends of a cord

Their union severed by a flame

Burned to ashes

My heart has now changed

 

I feel less sorrow

I feel less pain, more peaceful

Consciously pushing you from my brain

Because, your negative energy cannot remain

 

 

Untitled, for a reason

I wanted to know, I wanted to check

This constant “not knowing” makes me a wreck

I thought I saw you

I think you crossed my path

Was hoping you got the bike running, at last

Why do I still care?

I wish I didn’t

I’d be nice if you’d leave my mind for a minute

If only I could stop replaying good memories

Wishing I could forget why you mean so much to me

I recall our end and it still hurts

The cruel words you texted, they stung me the worst

People in pain tend to hurt others too

Even so, I still care very much about you