A Banner Week

Well, it’s been a little bit and much has transpired since my last post!

This week, so far, I’ve had 3 interview in Tucson, I’ve applied for a phlebotomy program in Tucson and I ended a relationship which needed to end for a long time. Fortunately, he made it very easy. But, let me back up! I decided to relocate to Tucson. The cost of living were I am is increasing and if my rent goes up, I’ll be in a very bad position financially. I’m already working as much as I can. I’m tired much of the time and I don’t know how else to get ahead, so it felt like a good time to leave Prescott Valley and embark on some big change.

So much of change involves the clearing out of the old to make room for the new and bright things ahead. No one wants to drag old energy, old ideas or unfulfilling relationships into the “new”. This week, I finally ended something that’s been dragging on for several years (I am embarrassed to say).

I met J.B. in 2018, when I was still in massage school. He was the first person who I “dated” after separating from my ex. When we met, I was very vulnerable, recently separated and going through a huge life change (massage school). We tried to dating (which consisted of texting to try and hook up) for a while. I started to have feelings for him, he got nervous and became very distant. I also felt he wasn’t being straight with me somehow. I felt he was hiding stuff in his life or past, so I went looking for anything I could find on him.

After a background check, I found it. A police charge, for solicitation. Apparently there was a prostitution sting in PV, back in 2017 (I believe) and he was tangled up in all of that. We’d stopped texting when I discovered this. I felt for him and this situation he was in so I wrote him a heartfelt letter, stating I’d found his secret. I let him know I could relate to having needs and ending up in such a scenario. I did not think less of him as a person and I wished him well. We decided to not still see each other, but we kept in touch. I felt somehow bonded over compassion and an understanding of a difficult time in his life.

In 2019, I tried dating other people. The were all bad matches and it never lasted past a few months of wishy washy behavior and excuses from these guys. One wanted me to commit very early. One said I had “too much going on” as I was still working on getting divorced. One went back to his ex wife after the one night we hung out, got drunk and I stayed over. J.B was in touch, waiting in the wings ready to be that shoulder to cry on when things went wrong. This back an forth contact continued and J.B came back in my life after the last bad break up I endured at the end of 2019.

At this point, we decide we could be “friends with benefits” because we were two adults with needs, and no one wanted a commitment. If ever either of us wanted to discontinue this FWB thing, or wanted to start dating someone else, we could do that. In my very hurt heart, this seemed perfect. J.B. was someone I felt I knew well, someone I felt I could trust and someone who seemed to care about me as a person. We continued this FWB through 2019/2020 until my former roommate arrived back in the picture.

Fast forward through to August 2021 when I finally kicked out my roommate. J.B. was there to comfort me, tell me how rotten of a guy my roommate was and we hooked back up where we left off. I had tried to break off this FWB thing a few times but he always caught me at a weak moment and we’d resume.

November 2021 was the last time we had any physical contact. In October, J.B.’s mom died from complications and preexisting conditions when contracted Covid. J.B had been living with her all of this time and this was a big blow. Communication had dwindled significantly and I knew he was going through a lot and I tried to stay in contact to be of support if he needed it.

Our texts became fewer and further between. He wouldn’t answer for days and pop back up with a “Hey stranger, how are you?”, only to not respond for several days after I answered him and asked how he was. Then there was the odd “sexy” text were he asked about my masturbation habits/was I being a naughty girl with my toys/ect. This seemed to be the only time he was enthusiastic about talking to me. It was becoming clear that our “friendship” wasn’t a true friendship at all. In my mind, I kept making excuses for him. “He’s busy” or “He’s grieving and maybe he needs time to process”. But then he’d pop up again and try to start with the sexy texting. I stopped responding to the sexy texts and had decided in December that our arrangement needed to end for good. Thing of it was, how do you ditch a man when he’s grieving?! What kind of monster would do that? Fortunately, he did all of the heavy lifting for me, thus showing his true colors.

Since I was not responding to the sexy texts, he decided last Tuesday, to kick it up a notch. He said “Hey, we should get together for a massage…..” and proceeded to then describe explicit acts he wanted me to perform and painted the scene he wanted to play out, added “I’d be willing to pay good money for it. Just saying”. So there it was. This person I’ve know for 4 years. Someone who I trusted and confided in, someone who I let see me at my most vulnerable and who I presumed saw me as a valued person in their life, had just straight up solicited sex from me, for money. He was not joking either. He back tracked, apologized for asking for that from me and tried to say the reason he didn’t schedule a massage at my job is because he thought he’d just pay me directly because my job takes a cut of what I make. I was not buying this at all. I was so stunned and numb, I had no words. I did not know how to respond so I sent him back two thumbs up. He texted back, saying he hoped I wasn’t mad, he was sorry, ect. I told him I needed some time, I didn’t know what I was feeling and he said he’d leave me be. We said goodnight and I tried to process this for the rest of the evening.

I felt sick when I woke up and my stomach was not going to play nice. I only worked the morning and asked the boss to cancel my afternoon because I was not feeling well. I went home and I knew my upset stomach would not resolve until I faced this and ended it. I crafted a very calm and clear text, pointing out the lies in his back tracking, pointed out that he treated me like a prostitute and stated our dynamic ends here, wishing him well and stating we no longer have a reason to be in contact. I sent the text and waited nervously for him to respond. About 3 hours later, I received a text with a small dig (because he couldn’t dispute anything else I said), him saying he understands what I’m saying and wished me well. This happened two days ago and it’s finally hitting me. I’ve cried several times today at work, during massage sessions when people were face down (thankfully). I still do not feel completely OK either, but I’m getting there. I said exactly what I needed to say, I didn’t lose my cool, I stood up for myself and I am very proud of myself for this.

Listen to Your Rage

Listen to your rage, because it’s trying to tell you something.

When someone grows up around family or “friends” who do not treat them well, it colors how a person views themselves and this skewed view can follow a soul into adulthood. The maltreatment someone is exposed to becomes their “normal” because this is all they’ve know. Having been abused in the past makes it more difficult to realize when someone is genuinely being an asshole. The abused person tolerates behavior from others that, until they realize what’s happening, will most likely continue because they aren’t seeing it.

Something I’ve realized about myself is, it takes me a while to pick up on that someone is being disrespectful to me. Feeling like I’m insignificant is a constant state so when someone blatantly (others can see it) is disrespectful to me, it takes me months to finally listen to my rage. What does “listen to your rage” mean? It means, pay attention to how you feel when you are furious about a situation or interaction but you can’t initially figure out why. What wound has been triggered?

I’ve felt rage towards people before. Twice, very recently. The first was when I finally figured out my former roommate was completely using me to support him and he didn’t care for me, even as a person. I snapped and I didn’t handle my rage well that evening. The second was last night. Fortunately I was by myself, at home. I’m thankful I was not at work because I’d probably be in jail. No exaggeration. When that wee drop of Irish blood and the large dollop of German blood kicks in and I scare myself.

My rage kicked in last night and I could not figure out why I was ready to rage quit my job. I’ve enjoyed working there up until after the first of the year. They made some changed “in the interest of lost revenue” and it’s effected a few of my clients. It’s also filled my schedule to the max, which has been exhausting. All of the changes plus this ongoing frustration with the rooms at work, I’ve been irritated at work for quite some time.

To make a very long story short: I was pushed out of the room I’d staked for myself, by one of the new hires. It happened gradually, over the course of about 4 months. I am appalled it took me this long to finally figure out that this new person was disrespecting me, and basically saying “fuck you” by taking my space. I have seniority and I, as a newbie, would not have treated anyone like that. I respected the other’s space and place in the pecking order when I arrived, as one should.  But as it’s often said, you can’t expect “you” from other people.

Today, I arrived fully expecting to be shifted to the overflow room. To my surprise and relief, this person was in the overflow room instead, leaving me my old room. I don’t know where she’s going to be tomorrow. Hopefully it’s a good day and I’m left alone. I have a few of my favorite people on the books tomorrow so I am looking forward to that.