Listen to Your Rage

Listen to your rage, because it’s trying to tell you something.

When someone grows up around family or “friends” who do not treat them well, it colors how a person views themselves and this skewed view can follow a soul into adulthood. The maltreatment someone is exposed to becomes their “normal” because this is all they’ve know. Having been abused in the past makes it more difficult to realize when someone is genuinely being an asshole. The abused person tolerates behavior from others that, until they realize what’s happening, will most likely continue because they aren’t seeing it.

Something I’ve realized about myself is, it takes me a while to pick up on that someone is being disrespectful to me. Feeling like I’m insignificant is a constant state so when someone blatantly (others can see it) is disrespectful to me, it takes me months to finally listen to my rage. What does “listen to your rage” mean? It means, pay attention to how you feel when you are furious about a situation or interaction but you can’t initially figure out why. What wound has been triggered?

I’ve felt rage towards people before. Twice, very recently. The first was when I finally figured out my former roommate was completely using me to support him and he didn’t care for me, even as a person. I snapped and I didn’t handle my rage well that evening. The second was last night. Fortunately I was by myself, at home. I’m thankful I was not at work because I’d probably be in jail. No exaggeration. When that wee drop of Irish blood and the large dollop of German blood kicks in and I scare myself.

My rage kicked in last night and I could not figure out why I was ready to rage quit my job. I’ve enjoyed working there up until after the first of the year. They made some changed “in the interest of lost revenue” and it’s effected a few of my clients. It’s also filled my schedule to the max, which has been exhausting. All of the changes plus this ongoing frustration with the rooms at work, I’ve been irritated at work for quite some time.

To make a very long story short: I was pushed out of the room I’d staked for myself, by one of the new hires. It happened gradually, over the course of about 4 months. I am appalled it took me this long to finally figure out that this new person was disrespecting me, and basically saying “fuck you” by taking my space. I have seniority and I, as a newbie, would not have treated anyone like that. I respected the other’s space and place in the pecking order when I arrived, as one should.  But as it’s often said, you can’t expect “you” from other people.

Today, I arrived fully expecting to be shifted to the overflow room. To my surprise and relief, this person was in the overflow room instead, leaving me my old room. I don’t know where she’s going to be tomorrow. Hopefully it’s a good day and I’m left alone. I have a few of my favorite people on the books tomorrow so I am looking forward to that.