A day off is normally a fantastic thing. My work week consists of two full days and two half days. With my schedule, I have a good amount of recovery time between weeks. Today is Monday and I’m off. I caught myself falling into an unhelpful, shitty loop of negative and destructive thoughts. I’ve been in a funk for a few weeks, with life stuff on my mind. My roommate hibernated today so I was alone with my thoughts. The morning started off well enough. The dogs woke me to go out at 6:30am and I took my time waking up. At some point, I decided to clean my massage room’s closet. There were two boxes of my mom’s things hiding in that closet. I’ve gone through them before but today, I actually got rid of things.
I kept some jewelry and a few trinkets. I came across pictures of my kids when they were young. There was one of my ex, the boys, my big dog Chico and me. I could remember that period of time in my life and I could see how dead my eyes looked in that picture. I was depressed for a huge portion of my boy’s childhood. I hated my life, all the while knowing there were people out there who would kill to have what I had. The guilt was heavy and it only compounded the depression. I’ve felt unloved and unwanted my entire life and getting married didn’t squash those feelings. I think seeing that one picture brought back all sorts of painful feelings from the past. Seeing that picture transported me to that time in my life and I could feel all my insecurities rise to the surface. I felt all the unhealed parts of myself, as if they’d been freshly bruised and battered. It set off the old and tired loop of: “No one will ever love me. I’m used up and have nothing of value to offer. I’m a waste of space and oxygen”. When this loop kicks off, I also hear myself start apologizing for silly things which require no apology. I actually caught myself doing this last evening.
I took a nap after going through mom’s stuff. Naps seem to save me from my thoughts and I tend to wake up with a better outlook on the day after a nap. I cooked dinner tonight and I’m now back in my room with the pups. When I feel bad, I go on social media to distract and numb myself with animal videos. While on Instagram, I saw a good reminder. I can’t remember it exactly but the essence of it was, everything is temporary. What I’m feeling hurts but it’s important to feel it, but it’s temporary. What that loop is saying hurts but it isn’t true and I won’t feel like this forever. My logical mind knows I’m just dealing with some old wounds and I need to work on healing from it. I don’t quite know how though. I seems like acknowledging these feelings and showing myself some grace could be a good start.
As much as I’d love a partner right now, I feel like there’s still a significant amount of stuff that I still need to work on. I wouldn’t be a good partner to myself if I tried to have a romantic relationship right now. When I am in a relationship, a big amount of my energy goes to the other person and I neglect myself. That’s what happened the last time I dated someone and the romantic relationship imploded, leaving me in a very bad place mentally. I didn’t realize how bad my mental health had fallen until things ended. It hurt like hell but it probably saved me too. The end of that romantic relationship kick started a much needed period of growth in my life. I never thought I’d be thankful for going through such a painful experience, but I am.
Things On My Mind 