My brain and I

I am frustrated with my brain. I feel like it’s one of my most defective organs and it infuriates me often. I re-read some of my past blog posts from a few years ago and I realized I’m still dealing with the same issues. It’s rather disheartening to have such a realization. It makes me feel like I’m a completely broken human being and I have very little chance of healing myself. I don’t know how to get past abandonment issues or how to get past my fear of failure/never feeling like I’m enough. I still overachieve and for some reason, it’s been deeply programed in my psyche that I must “do” in order to earn or deserve love. I do and do and anticipate, just so whomever I’m serving or assisting is pleased. I’m still trying to gain the approval of parents and I’m 47 years old.

I am aware that this sort of response to the would and MO in relationships is due to childhood abuse. Abused kids either act out with anger or withdraw and turn their anger inside, towards themselves. I am definitely the latter. I didn’t deserve to be treated as I was when I was young. No abused kid does. Instead of developing anger at the world, I developed a deep hatred for myself because I felt the way I was treated was deserved on some level. In my kid brain, I survived by minimizing myself, my needs and tried to not be a bother to anyone or need anything. I remember vividly, crying at night, asking God why was I born, because nobody wanted me around in the first place. I had thoughts of harming myself from about age 10 and was very depressed. I dreamed of someone taking me and freeing me from my surroundings. I dreamed about being a prostitute because at least I’d be wanted by someone (one of those beggars can’t be choosers situations?). In my 10 year old brain, this dream was a reprieve from the negative loop of constant self hate.

Why did I decide to write about all of this tonight?? My beloved husband shared his counselling workbook that he wrote when he counseled people at his church. He wrote a 6 week, deep dive course into one’s core wounds and it helps folks identify the areas they need to heal. Last night, I received a 2 hour condensed version of his course. I have always wanted someone to focus on and help me with the icky childhood shit I can’t seem to get past. I hate that I’m 47 and this stuff still holds me back. I still react as I did as a kid, in survival mode. I shrink still and I hate that I do. I’m not seen as confident in those moments and I know confidence is attractive. When I’m deep in a trigger, I withdraw and get very quiet. I’m not myself anymore in those moments. I thought I was past all of this, but apparently not!

Healing isn’t linear. I am still a work in progress. I suppose we all are on some level. Thanks for reading. Wish me luck.